hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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