Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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