I puked a lego.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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