i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
