all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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