Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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