In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
