My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
