Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
