actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
