I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
