I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize