My room smells like vodka and shame
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
