They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
