and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
