you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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