do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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