My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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