All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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