and you said cock pushups were impossible
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
