when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
