We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
