so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize