you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
