plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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