you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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