if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
