ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
