Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
