when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My vagina just clenched in fear
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