I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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