Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
