Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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