I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
