Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
