I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
