and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
