awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
