I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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