About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
