there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
my liver is dry heaving
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
