Need sex. Gaining weight.
So many bounce houses so little time
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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