peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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