i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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