sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
