I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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