Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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