She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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