pop tarts are not kleenex
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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