If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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