I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They took my balls.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
