$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
