u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
