She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
