this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
