I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
