Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
