the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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